How to Do LinkedIn Messaging Mo Better!

So I got this message today from a new connection on LinkedIn. We’ve been connected since July 26. He cold DM’d me on July 21 with a humble brag to preorder his book.

****

Hi Wes, Thanks for accepting my invitation.

I wanted to share a bit about what we do at ACME, INC to see if it makes sense to connect further.

After having had the honor of working alongside brilliant leaders-including NFL owners, athletic directors, CEOs, and university presidents-I’ve witnessed first-hand the transformative power of what can happen when we reimagine and design futures with a human-centric focus.

Through this lens, I’m deeply passionate about working with leaders like you to navigate the complexities and challenges of the modern workforce.

At ACME, INC, our team of consultants, social scientists and creative experts help our clients drive a differentiated brand of change and performance.

I share many of the details in my new book, ACME, INC IS AWESOME, which delves into these critical themes, and challenges existing paradigms of belonging and leadership. If you are interested in exploring how to integrate our approach into an organization’s growth journey, please reach out.”

*******

To his credit, his team cleaned up his database and removed the “-” I put at the end of my name to weed out the scrapers, hackers, and spammers.

But then the issues begin:

1. my
2. I
3. we
4. I’ve
5. we
6. I’m
7. our
8. our
9. I
10. my
11. our

He does some name-dropping/appeal to a higher authority and

Out of 158 words, 11 referred to himself, with only two to “you.”

That’s nearly 7%.

But there are only seven sentences, not counting the greeting, so that’s an average of 1.57 references to himself in every sentence.

And he ends with a weak CTA.

“You must enter the conversation going on in the mind of the prospect.” ~Robert Collier

He did not do this with this cold outreach.

Here’s a quick re-write to consider:

“Wes,

“This is just what you want. A cold pitch from an old dude who wants you to know how wonderful he is, how NFL owners and fancy university presidents, etc. etc. yada yada have come to him for nearly 23 years to “transform” and “reimagine” and “design” utopia in the workforce.

“(Right about now, the b.s. is piled up pretty high, so raise your left hand to save your watch since it’s too late to save your boots. But I digress.)

“Look, nobody reaches out and says, ‘Pay attention to me because I’m a loser,’ right?

“But everyone and their brother reaches out on LinkedIn to say, ‘HEY! LOOK AT ME!

“But, hey, if the current workforce has you scratching your head or mumbling to yourself or even banging your head against the wall, you may want to take a peek at my new book, ‘ACME INC IS AWESOME.’

“You see input from not only yours truly, but a veritable army of veteran consultants, social scientists, and creative experts who are helping leaders such as yourself eliminate the desire and need to pull their hair out and implement a human-centric focus to create the future you fear is slipping away.

“Shoot me a DM if you’d like to chat further about this.

“P.S. As you can see in my profile pic, I’ve already pulled all of my hair out, so you don’t have to. My pain is literally your gain.

“Have a great day.”

****

This is a first-pass rough draft written in about 10 minutes in between calls, but which message would you rather send and receive?

Meet your prospects where they are if you want to sell more, faster, at higher margin, with less stress, more predictably.